breastfeeding eisya part 1

hi korang! sorry i was meant to share about my experince of breastfeeding my baby months ago but here i am. baru terhegeh2. :p

okay tarik nafasssss. lepasssss.

this is an emotional post. please. bear.with. me...

before i was pregnant, before baby dance lagi, i have done few research on breastfeeding and i told my myself to breastfeed my baby (babies) when the time comes.

when i was pregnant, me and hubby attended breastfeeding classes, read, ask friends who breastfeed their babies, spend on buying all the needs to breastfeed, let my gynae knows about my birth plan and baby feeding.

i really really niat to fully bf my baby. i was determined.

delivery day. when eisya is out of my womb, she was not put on my chest. i saw her being cleaned and i called her, eisyaaa. mommy ni.

then everything went blurry. i was dipingsankan sebab nak jahit.

i woke up 30 minutes later in the labour room still. alone. then the nurse pushed me to my room.

my first question to my mom. baby mana? kak long nak breastfeed.

ummy said, ada nanti dia bawak. tadi nurse dah bagi minum air zamzam. dia minum tau kak long. laju je dia minum. dengan picagari tu. with big grin.

i was sentap. sentap. felt like crying but i hold. i wanted to scream to my hubby. kenapa biarrr? i hold it.

then himawari baby was brought in.

nurse 1: okay mak dia nak bagi susu. ada ke susu awak ni. selalu tak ada lagi ni. meh saya check.

she was squeezing my breast. i just let her. walaupon sakit. although i dont understand why she needs to squeeze me to stimulate my milk. my family was in the room. watching.

nurse 1: kering kontang ni. tak kan nak bagi baby minum. me: tak apa nanti baby hisap ada lah. kena stimulate. nurse 2 came and squeeze me again. and this time keluar kolostrum tu. i was happy. me: ha ada2. bak baby.

i put her on my breast, (i watched youtube on how to latch baby etc). and the nurse 2 tak payah ajar me dah pandai. she even said, ha mak dia dah pandai dah. okay baby minum.

if you remember my post on the delivery, i was given pain killer at 8cm dilation and baby and i were both sleepy masa push dan juga baby still sleepy after keluar. she only cried after dapat antidot.

so she just latched onto my breast and nyonyot for few times and diam. we kacau her but she still asleep.

plus she was being given air zamzam. mestilah dah kenyang kan. so i was so sad because she was only on my breast for good few minutes then she was taken away.

i was really really upset. memanglah air zamzam tu suci. but i want the first thing for her to eat is my milk. nothing else.

then, kisah sedih berterusan apabila i was told by nurses and my ummy not to bf her exclusively. kena ajar fm since i'm working.

and they said baby needs to drink milk takut dehydrate. as my milk is not coming yet. which i know is purely bullshit.

i tried to explain to my mom and she only said, ummy tau lah ummy dah anak 4.

it breaks my heart. :'(

then ada nurse lain datang tanya if nak bf dia tak bagi ubat rehat ni. nanti baby nak susu dia hantar. i agreed.

but sampai sudah tak ada. every time i ask my hubby to check on the baby, she's asleep. or being bottle fed dah.

i was upset. i told my hubby that i want my baby here. but he said, tak apalah. biarlah nurse jaga baby kita. dia orang lagi tahu. awak janganlah fikir awak je. nak breastfeed. kenalah fikir baby if dia tak cukup susu ke apa. nanti dah ada susu baru lah kita bf dia.
i was speechless. i was sad. i was upset. i thought that my hubby would understand me. i thought he's with me.

i'm not doing this for myself. you mommies would understand kan?

but maybe my hubby was too tired kot that time. i woke him up every hour in the night to check the baby. and orang2 lain dok provok nanti baby hipo, dehydrate and what not.

i did not sleep at all. dahla the night before i didnt sleep sebab dah rasa sakit2 sikit2 and neves fikir nak bersalin. so i was really tired. i laid down on the bed layan sakit kat bawah tu, watching the ceiling. and cried sometimes.

and then the nurse came to check me. i asked her about my baby. she said dah minum susu. i asked her berapa banyak. she checked the record. sikit. tak sampai 0.5oz. dia tak pandai botol sangat.

okay lepas ni, baby bangun please bagi saya. saya nak breastfeed!

i said it firmly with watery eyes.

then i mandi2 with hubby's help. goshh seram aku ingat balik sakit jahit tu. walhal 3-4 jahitan baru. and i remember my hubby was very takut tengok aku berdarah banyak masa mandi tu. yela darah nifas tu kan baru2 lagi. he even said, kesian hunny. anywayyyy that is another story.

then i tengah nak pakai baju, tetiba ada nurse datang bawak masuk baby. puan, baby nangis ye.

and she left us with the baby. dengan aku terhegeh2 nak pakai baju dengan sakit tu lagi. i only said to her, kejap ya sayang mommy nak pakai baju.

then i duduk and breastfeed her. she pandai latch. i was happy happy happy.

then, when she is done. she just kept quite and stare at us. i will never ever forget the look of her eyes that moment.

this was it. :)

she was like oh ni ke mommy ni ke papa. and she kept looking and looking at us.

she was so fragile. lembik2 lagi kan masa tu. then she was with me for good few hours. when she cried i sua breasts lagi. and then ada nurse minta baby nak mandikan. but she was being breastfeed masa tu. so the nurse biar dulu.

then that second day, we were discharged.

sampai rumah, people dah start come and visit. penuh rumah. alhamdulillah rezeki eisya. but i was tired lah masa tu. then ada time, my baby cried. my mom cepat2 suruh my hubby amik botol susu. masa tu belum sterilize apa lagi kan. and ada susu sample hospital bagi.

i cakap tak payah lah. biar bagi susu badan je.

ummy keep saying nantilah susu keluar dulu. kesian baby. dah la baby kuning tu. kena minum susu banyak bagi dia kencing berak baru hilang kuning dia.

dahlah ramai orang kat rumah. so i hold my sadness.

my hubby's aunty ada datang visit and she asked me to exclusively bf my baby. i'm glad someone actually feel me!

i told her everything and she keep saying. baby kecik ni tak perlu bagi susu banyak. apa yang ida ada sekarang cukup dah untuk dia.
i know :(

then dan dan tu jugak my mom ambil baby and bottle feed her. still meraung2 lagi baby. and she tak nak bottle. i was helpless.

aunty di, looked at me and i guess she understand me.

then, bila baby dah ngamok2 tanak susu tu. my ummy cakap apa tau kat i.

tula kak long dah niat nak susu badan sangat. kan baby dah tak nak botol. susah lah macam ni.

i only diam and took my baby, pegi nenen kat bilik. i told her. eisya nak mommy kan.

days went by and i was being told EVERY SINGLE DAY to FM my baby. and to give air masak. not just ummy but also from others.

it was ermm. quite stressful. dah la dalam pantang emosi lain macam sikit.

to cut short this long story, eisya kan kuat nangis masa tu. so they thought tak cukup susu. walaupon eisya selalu muntah susu sebab overload asik bergayut.

masa i mandi, baby bangun, they bottle feed my baby. kalau i sempat keluar i terus cabut botol and bf.

stok susu yang i pam sikit2 (dahlah pam dapat tak banyak) digunakan masa i mandi or urut.

and there was one time, i mandi. my baby cried. my aunty bagi nenen dia yang tak ada susu. i was upset. i pernah dengar ada baby terus refuse breasts mak dia sebab kena tipu macam tu.

and i overheard my relatives dok hairan kenapa i insist tak nak bagi FM, dengan tak banyak susu. tak kesian baby ke.

walhal masa tu my baby nangis sebab colic.

bila my baby amok tanak botol yang my mom bagi (tommee tippee) my mom suruh beli latex teats. so hubby bought NUK bottle. pun baby taknak. baby only wants me. and my mom cakap i should rest. bukan asik nenen je.

then days went by sampai lah habis pantang dan i pun dah nak kerja.....

to be continued....